Foolish Flash 55 for Friday

I thought I'd try out another Flash 55 event today. The idea is to write a story using only 55 words. Now, for Kurt's benefit I'll preface this by saying that the 55 is only that which is in bold and in blue text for this post.

But before I get to that, I'll confess that I have a secret. I've been keeping two blog lives. I had been running another blog called "Gut-Wrenching Real" and doing some more series stories for the Theme Thursday events. I've dropped that blog for a revamped one called "A Tale of Words" and I'm featuring my short works of fiction there. That included a couple of the stories from here (Chin and the Button Outfit and The Kissing Contest) as well. I'll put up a little link on the sidebar if anyone is interested in the more serious stories I create; nothing fancy, I don't even promote myself very much.

Ok, back to the Flash 55 (finally)...

Here you go:


At the Boring Other Other Stock Market (BOOSM) they were trading anything.

“Why’s that stuff trading so furiously?” asked the reporter covering the opening of the new market.

“Oh that? Its fool’s gold,” said the President of the BOOSM.

“But that stuff is worthless!” cried the reporter.

“Yeah, but the markets are full of fools.”

"Never too Late" my ass...

Those tricksters over at Theme Thursday. I didn't get this week's topic until Tuesday and had only two days to come up with something. The theme? LATE

You know, there's this old saying: "Never too Late"

That's all fine and well but I've confirmed with the gnomes and we disagree. Here's my visual evidence to support that:







And this last one really doesn't need a comment, does it?

I rest my case...

Jello Man

I'm a bit behind in my stories from the voting poll. Jello Man was the next topic in the queue. I've pulled the polls until I can catch up. The good news is that on Monday I finished the NANOWRIMO challenge by finishing my "Corporate Jester" novel and passing the 50,000 word requirement. Yes, folks, that's a novel written in 16 days. Yes, it will need some editing...

(intro sung to the tune of Nowhere Man by the Beatles)

Jello Man, don’t worry
Take your time, don’t hurry
The world will be saved by your hand

“Hey, there’s Jello Man,” shouts little Johnny from behind the fence as he runs for the gate to see his super hero with his very own eyes.

“Jello Man, you’re the bestest! You save the world and you taste good too!”

Jello man stopped long enough to let him sample a piece of arm but he was in a hurry. Bad Brownie was near by and he was close on his crumb trail.

Jello man stayed cautious as he entered the alleyway. Surely the spoon gang would be near by hoping to surprise blitz him. Spoons and lack of refrigeration were the only things he feared.

I’d been following and interviewing Jello man for several days in an effort to get to know the real man behind the gelatin glob before me. I wanted the exclusive in-depth story and new super heroes arriving weren’t happening much anymore so I had a jump on my competition.

His powers were unique. Once he had his enemy embedded into his jello body he simply dissected that part of himself and kept his enemy forever stuck inside a jello prison. Then, secretly when the light went out as he closed his patented walk in refrigerator, he set up the missing portion of himself, ready for a new day come morning.

Others had come before him and failed though. Pudding man and yogurt man left in shame as they fought to keep from going bad; but eventually, they all went bad. Jello man had a much longer shelf life and secured a spot on the Snack League of Super Heroes (an organization brought together to sell more movies and comic books) along with Twinkie Man, Dorito Girl and the Caped Cupcake. But Jello Man was by far the freshest of the team.

“I’ve left a large pool of milk there at the end of the alleyway. No Brownie can resist the urge. He’ll be by in no time,” he whispered to me.

Sure enough, while the spoons attacked him from behind, Bad Brownie went for the milk hoping he’d be too occupied to catch him. He was wrong, he’d called the Stoner gang in just for the capture and they took Bad Brownie apart.

As to the spoon attack, he’d been lucky and remembered to bring his dishwasher shield with him. Only one spoon managed to get a piece of him and in no time he’d captured all the spoons and hit the rinse cycle.

“Just another day saving the world,” he smiled as we walked back to the headquarters.

The Wifey-Poo is Losing It

I was seeking creative input from the wifey-poo over something the other day and we were discussing popular cartoon characters. I suggested Sponge Bob be added to the list. Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: Hey, how about Sponge Bob?

Her: Sponge Bob isn’t a cartoon character

Me: Errr... Yeah. You’re right honey, I had him over the other night for a hot tub. He got all big and bloated though so he had to stay awhile until he dried out and felt self confident enough to go home…

Her: Oh yeah, I guess he is a cartoon character

Me: This is so going into a blog post

Her: Well don’t mention about that time I thought those little sample display tents they have in stores were actually puppy dog tents…

Me: I’d never do that….(snicker, snicker go the gnomes)


(All right...to be fair to her...when I was little I used to think Toto was a little man in a dog suit)

Other City Mottos

If Las Vegas has the motto,
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” then

Detroit should have the motto…
“Nothing happens in Detroit because no one stayed in Detroit”

Chicago should have the motto…
“What happens in Chicago happens indoors (I mean have you been here for summer or winter?)”

Los Angeles should have the motto…
“What happens in LA happens in the car…that’s where everyone spends their time”

New Orleans should have the motto…
“What happens in New Orleans costs the world billions”

New York should have the motto…
”What happens in New York doesn’t surprise anyone”

Omaha should have the motto…
“What happens in Omaha…isn’t the least bit interesting”

Miami should have the motto…
“What happens in Miami gets made into a TV series”

These are a few of my Irritating Things

You know, I like autumn as much as the next person. The colors, the crisp air, the traditions. But then "The Sound of Music" came on the TV and that ridiculously sappy and happy song came on. You know the one... The "These are a few of my favorite things" song. Seriously, all I needed was a chick flick marathon and a snuggie while I did my toe nails. Right! I think it's time to turn that song into a VE parody!

Raindrops on TP and whiskers on girlfriends,
Bright copper’s handcuffs and speedos my aunt sends,
Brown paper poop bags left by my front porch swings
These are a few of my irritating things

Cream colored houses and burnt apple strudels
Anal painted door bells and overcooked noodles
Wild geese that crap on my head at weddings
These are a few of my irritating things

Guys in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowballs that hit me and cut my eyelashes
Slivers in winter that puss with the prickings
These are a few of my irritating things

When my job bites, or Saturday the boss rings
When a blind date shows up and I say egad
I simply pray for any of these things
And then I don’t feel as bad

Cough drops on cupcakes and bathing your kittens
Orange Coppertone tans and wet cotton mittens
Brown grocery bags that break outside of the store
These are a few of the things I deplore

Green colored vomit and fried apple laptops
Door bells after midnight and tickets from the cops
Wild grease that splatters and burns me to the core
These are a few of the things I deplore

Girlfriends buying white dresses that I have to pay for
Snowflakes closing airports that I have to stay for
Silver white Volvos smashing into my car door
These are a few of the things I deplore

When the dog craps inside, and a bee’s in the earmuff
When your only son is shipped out to Baghdad
I simply pray for any of this stuff
And then I don’t feel as bad

Curly Cords Where Are You?

Today's Theme Thursday is TELEPHONE

Telephone's have certainly change over the years, haven't they. One thing with all the cordless phones now that I don't miss is the curly cords. Remember those?

I must have had some weird habit in the way I picked up my work phone (back when I bothered to go to work) because it would just end up like this after awhile:

Now that they don't have many of them, I wondered what happened to them and what we're missing other than the irritating ball of tangled cord.

First of all, the movies had to redifine their thriller/slasher genres to no longer used the cliche victim trying to call the police while the assailant tries to strangle them with the curly cord. People in the future aren't going to understand these old movies at all.

But where DID all that curly cord go to?

Fortunately, not all of it is sitting in a landfill. Some of it made decorative purses...

Some of it made exotic wigs...

Some of it made cutesy little knick knacks to regift to somebody...

Some of them were used as wrist watch bands...

And then there was the odd sheep and curly cord phone experimental program that the govenment didn't tell you about...

Horrorscopes

Horoscopes: Come on now. They’re all so positive and upbeat. They all provide hope and understanding. Bah humbug. Don’t they realize the stores already have Christmas started and have since mid-September? Don’t they know about foreclosures and ponzi scams?

I say we need a yang to their yin! I present VE’s “Horrorscopes” instead. Whereas Horoscopes live in the Zodiac, the Horrorscopes live in the Zombiac. Enjoy…

Aries

Motto: “Ram it, buddy…”

As the first sign in the Zombiac, you just have to try and lead everything. Usually, you’re wandering aimlessly by yourself because your followers have ditched you miles ago because it’s all about you and so you never looked back!

Taurus

Motto: “No bull!”

You are strong. Which suggests that you should shower more often. I mean, really, you’re not in Europe or something! You’re also quite stubborn and are known to plod along on a task until the very end, which is why you’re boss gives you all the crap assignments and tells you they’re the good ones.

Gemini

Motto: “You want twins? Try both my middle fingers!!!”

Versatility is a great keyword for your type. Which really means that you don’t know what the hell you want. One side of you is agreeable and the other has a butcher knife waiting to stab in the back. You make great party entertainment. People put you in a room and have your split personalities argue with each other.

Cancer

Motto: “You think I’m crabby now, wait until the morning!”

You’re running amok with emotions and sentimentality like some bad straight-to-DVD chick flick. Most people don’t want to hang out with you once they find out you’re a cancer because they’re all so stupid they think that you actually HAVE cancer.

Leo

Motto: “What extra money? Would I be lion to you?”

When you enter center stage, everyone notices. Too bad it’s because your fly is undone. You’re so intense and self-assured that you can cheat at solitaire and not feel guilty. The world revolves around you but that just means that shit rotates inward to you just like a black hole.

Virgo

Motto: “Did you sterilize before you touch me?”

You’ve dedicated your life to serving…and you probably won’t even get a good tip out of it. You’re shy and you worry because, well, you should! You have a deep sense of humanity…just hope that sense isn’t smell…because, damn!

Libra

Motto: “Don’t stand on my scale…you’ll break it!”

Balance is the key phrase for you. You’ll hold a life-long grudge on that third grader that cut in front of you in the cafeteria line but then you’ll take pity on the fat boy the bullies are rolling down the slide. You hate being alone so much you’ll internet date from the free sites or Craig’s List.

Scorpio

Motto: “It’s not a sting, it’s just a little prick”

You’re passionate, distrusting and resourceful personality makes you and excellent candidate for one of the scum careers on the planet such a law or politics. Just because you don’t show emotion doesn’t mean you don’t cry…onion juice in the eyes waters you every single time!

Sagittarius

Motto: “Yeah, I’ll shoot your apple. Your Adam’s apple!”

You’re optimistic, enthusiastic and a traveler by nature. Which means you’ll probably get killed when you wander into Somalia singing “Give Peace a Chance” without warning. And stop promising the disabled that they’ll walk again; you’ve got a sick sense of humor!

Capricorn

Motto: “I’ll get your goat, alright!”

When it comes to professionalism and traditional values, you are it! Too bad nobody cares about those things anymore. Remember that Carly Simon song “You’re so Vain” and how nobody knew who that was about? Yeah, it’s you.

Aquarius

Motto: “I’ll rain on your parade!”

You’re all doomed to be liberal art majors and work in non-profits. It’s not so bad though; you’re smarter than most people…you just can’t do anything prosperous with it. Of all the people reading these horrorscopes, you’re the only one that will believe them!

Pisces

Motto: “Something smells fishy…and it isn’t me…I swear!”

You’re a lovely gentle flower petal…that got yanked abruptly off the “in” flower and left to be a victim of your own fears. Seek out the life of a librarian and try to stop day dreaming about fairies and rainbows.

Inside the Whacky Inventor's Warehouse

I'm getting behind on my ridiculous story queue. Be sure to vote over on my side bar for a future story topic. In the mean time, here was the next one that won.

“Tommy! Be quiet. You’re gonna wake him.”

“Shut up. We’re fine. Just one more twist and we’re in.”

“This is so cool. This whacky guy’s been inventing things he won’t show for years.”

“Rumor has it there are Oompa Loompa’s around too.”

“Very funny…”

The two boys silently slip into the behemoth warehouse and begin to snoop around. Gadgets and gizmos are everywhere, stacked on top of one another as if they were in a set for Land of the Giants and had just landed in the toddler’s room.

“Check this out. It looks like a camelback.”

“Yeah, but this one delivers Pez. That’s so awesome!”

“Here’s another one that delivers cigarettes. Must be for serious smokers from North Carolina.”

The boys wander around picking up this and trying out that. Some of the inventions are pretty practical such as the popcorn bowl with the little holes that fall into a sub dish below it to catch all the un-popped kernels so you don’t destroy your teeth and dental work. Others are more difficult to determine.

“Hey, why’s that drum set inside that inflatable room?”

“Go try it out”

Billy goes into the room, zips up the door and proceeds to jam on the drums without any noise emulating out.

“Wow, a fully inflatable sound-proof band room. Do you know how much parents would pay for something like this?”

On a desk they find a stack of envelopes.

“Check out these envelopes. These are fantastical!”

“Look, the female one has boobs that inflate the paper out! Oh, and check out the pregnancy envelope.”

“And the male one…well, you can imagine what pops up when you blow on that.”

“Yeah, those cards are cool but check out these sucker caps.”

“What’s a sucker cap?”

“They fit on a pencil or a pen and you can suck on them instead of sucking or chewing on the pencil!”

There are many different designs of sucker caps. From pacifiers to plain Tootsie Pop round styles.

“Why’s that one look like a penis?”

“Dude…get it?”

“Oh.”

They laugh and move on. Rounding a corner, Tommy yells back to Billy, “Oh man, you’ve got to check out this. It’s gonna revolutionize the entire way you think about transportation.”

But before Billy gets to round the corner the warehouse lights come on. The whacky inventor has entered the building.

“Crap, let’s scram before he catches us,” whispers Tommy as they slink their way out of the warehouse.

“Damn you Tommy, what did you see?” cries Billy as they head back home.

“Sorry, man, next time. Next time.”

Bathroom Solutions in Space

I know you’ve wondered too. I certainly have. How DO they deal with the bathroom situation on these space vehicles?

Well…the same way that our ships and trains deal with them on Earth. They dump…

Let’s examine two popular space scenarios.

1. Star Wars.

Note the Death Star dilemma. A whole damn ship the size of a planet filled with bad guys crapping all the time. What to do?


Well, that genius Dark Lord designed a simple portal hole in which all bio waste vents out into space…until…

2. Star Trek

In the USS Enterprise, they had their own unique problems of human waste management that they solved with the help of their own technology.


Of course, this sometimes led to intergalactic relationship problems.


No wonder they were fighting with so many other species out there…