Tie one on

Thank GOD I live on the West Coast and work in environments that aren't formal and stuffy.  Portland is about as laid back and liberal as you can get and that means wearing shorts and sandals to work in the summertime.

Can you imagine VE working in some stuffy industry like insurance where they require you to wear a tie?  I'd simply rebel until they fired me!  Oh...I'd comply to the tie regulation.  I'd just do it the VE way...

First...I'd start wearing the fashiony alternative tie choices like this keyboard one.

And trust me, there are plenty of interesting concepts in ties out there.  This one is amusing too...

That could only go on so long though and I'd end up moving into more cutting edge designs like this one:

I doubt insurance companies approve of tied with alcohol even if they aren't real.  After that I'd start getting into the fantastically ridiculous

Eventually you run out of standard tie material and besides, that's still conforming because as weird as they are...they're still traditionally made ties.  I'd probably move on to other materials.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about...a wooden tie!  Then, we'd have to use other materials.  How about a rope tie?  Yeah...and I could even go with the hangsman's noose to boot!  That should get me fired!

Keeping with the unconventional theme, I'd extend to more ridiculous materials such as toilet paper.  Surely that has to be objectionable (probably more so if it were "used"...but we won't go there)

Of course, eventually I'd have to come up with ridiculous themes and materials that nobody else has even done.  How about tin foil?

Perhaps I make one out of post it notes!  It's inexpensive, I could steal them from office supply cabinet...

Maybe I contruct one out of paper clips.

Perhaps even one made of pizza!

Or perhaps I formulate one out of zip lock baggies filled with fish.  There would be no end to what my mischevious mind would come up with given that scenario...

You're Full of Shit!

I'll say it again, "You're full of shit"

Oh, relax, I'm stating a fact not a judgment.

The reality is that I'm full of shit too.  But the other day, for the first time in my life, I wasn't full of shit.

But to tell that tale, we have to jump back a month...

I was at the doctor getting my physical.  Now I don't know if I'd ever had a physical before.  I like to visit the doctor about as much as Dorothy likes to visit the Wicked Witch of the West.

Sure, he's useful for dispensing anti-biotics should I get a hangnail or be depressed because I overspent on something I didn't need and now I'm depressed and stressed (it's ok, that's not me at all).  The fact is, I have trouble relating to a doctor my same age that looks 20 years older than me, isn't in shape and doesn't dispense any kind of preventative care as part of their practice.  Western medicine is good for surgeries and dispensing drugs. 

I opt for naturopathic solutions these days.  Simple acupuncture cured a nasty shoulder injury that I thought was a torn muscle or rotator cuff.  Had I done western medicine I'm sure I would have been on drugs and/or through surgery for the same thing.  Ridiculous.

Ooops...that got me sidetracked.

One of things my doctor convinced me to do is get a colonoscopy.  "It's one of the easiest things to do and provides the best detection for problems that can actually be fixed early before they really are problems."

Okay.

Actually, I don't know why I trusted him.  He's the guy that got to stick his finger up my butt to check my prostrate!

Seriously, in the age of mobile phones you can talk to, the only way to diagnose prostate problems is to still stick your hand up somebody's ass?  I think we need to devote less money on new cell phone features and more on that!

So he convinced me that the colonoscopy is just a quick in and out procedure that they'd put me to sleep for and I wouldn't even know what happened.

Well...the devil is in the details, isn't it?  What he forgot to inform me about is that in order to look at all the internal plumbing, they first have to "clean it out"

This is where I'd learned that we are all full of shit!

We're basically just like a pencil but instead of the internal core being filled with graphite, our core is filled with shit! 

So how do they clear that out?  Laxatives!  Lots of 'em! 

So just like Dorothy to the Wicked Witch of the West, they want to liquefy the shit to clear it out.

It's a long agonizing process too.  They start you 5 days ahead by eliminating all medications.  And if you don't die from that (not a problem for me, I don't take any) then 3 days prior they eliminate all fruits and vegetables along with a bunch of random things like nuts, seeds, red and purple things.  Glad I wasn't hungry for those red Lego pieces....

The night before I had to switch to a liquid diet, we were out for a date night at a restaurant.  I could only find one restaurant that catered to my wifey-poo's vegetarian/vegan like needs and my need to not have any vegetables and fruits.  She got a nice healthy dinner.  I got a cheese sandwich.

So the day before the procedure you get to go on a liquid diet.  They offer up about 6 things you can have that are liquid like.  They even offer up a "sample menu"

Breakfast:  1 cup broth, 1 cup clear fruit juice, 1 cup jello, straight coffee

Lunch:  1 cup broth, 2 cups Crystal Light, 1/2 cup fruit ice, 1 popsicle, hot tea

Dinner:  1 cup broth, 1 cup fruit juice, 1 cup jello, 1/2 cup fruit ice, hot tea

Are you kidding me?  They only allow six things total, does somebody really need a menu planner for this?  Plus, you've got to drink 64 oz of sport drink heavily laced with laxatives at the same time.  And when I say laxatives...the entire large size bottle.  It's enough that you'd have to open like 125 of those sugar packages at a restaurant to equal the amount of powdered laxative they have you take.

Let me just say that when you're crapping liquid, the last thing you want to ingest is MORE liquid!!!

So essentially, the entire day and evening before the procedure is spent very, very, very near the bathroom.  Plus, the next morning you get to do it all over again.  The plan is that they want your "poo" to go from brown to clear.

Now once it's all over, you truly are not full of shit anymore!  It's sort of like having that pencil outer but without the graphite inner.  Now, a pencil can be filled with other stuff like colored crayons that produce a different exterior result.

I thought, "Awesome.  Can't I just fill up with chocolate or strawberries or something besides shit?"

And that's where my pencil analogy ran out of steam.  I think the more applicable analogy is my home juicer.  You see, no matter what combination of vegetables and fruits I put into that thing, what comes out the other end is some variation of brownish color.  It's the same with us humans.  No matter what goes in the pie hole, what comes out the other end is always....shit!

So beware the doctor that preaches of easy in/out procedures...he just might be "full of shit!"

The Insurance Entertainment Bubble

I have to wonder when the financial bubble will burst for insurance companies.  Ever notice that they seem to be throwing gobs of money competing against each other on who can be the funniest?

There's Flo (she must be caught in some kind of never ending river eddy because I just keep hoping she'll continue to FLO downstream and be gone)



There's the Mayhem guy (one of my personal favorites) 

There's they everyday guy everyone likes that State Farm uses.  Apparently they're too down to Earth and mature to use humor to sell their wares. 



There's the guy from the movies Spiderman and Thank you For Smoking that trains agents 

And let's not forget the creepy salesguy from Nationwide. 

Then there's the endless spokespersons for Geico.  That lizard with an accent, the cavemen, the money character, etc. etc.

The list goes on...

And behind it all, there's one poor sap in the entire country that somehow got insurance at standard undiscounted stock rate prices.  He's the ONLY guy that can actually save $400-$600 by switching companies because that's what they base that savings on.  I mean, this guy probably also bought his mattresses when they weren't on sale.  That's hard to do!

But there will come a time when even insurance companies will dry up spending money on commercials for our entertainment.  Then we'll have to go back to the pharmacy companies and amuse ourselves on just how many side effects they can squeeze into a 30 second commercial...

You Don't See That Anymore - Part 3

Ok, we're back from our commercial break and have one final grand finale of old photos that fit the theme "you don't see that anymore"...

We don't box our pets anymore.  Now we just walk them on a leash and pick up their poop...

It's long been forgotton that fishing poles had another practical use...

Remember when oversized costumed people had to fill in for the organ grinder monkey shortage?

Flower hats were so seasonal and definitely had bee issues to be concerned about...

School PE instructors have it easy now.  They don't have to dispense cigarettes and light them anymore...

These days, keeping your dead spouse in the house indefinitely is not permissible in at least 48 states...

What happened to the romance of a cigarette holder for two?

The penguin paparazzi seems to have disappeared to Hollywood to make movies...

And here you thought our generation was lazy for putting their dog on a treadmill...

These portable baby cages could come in quite handy at picnics and visiting with friends...

Doesn't anyone sew on their bike anymore?

Eventually Pandas got muscled out of the photography business because they were just too soft and gentle...

With gas prices the way they are now, they should bring back shared scooter commuting...

I don't know...you just don't see the NASA baseball team much anymore.  PS - I don't EVEN want to know what that rip cord does that seems to be dangling between the pitcher's legs...

And there you have it.  I think the gnomes did an excellent job showcasing our fantastical nonsense from yester year.

And we "bought" into these?

We'll get back to the ridiculousness of the old pictures right after this commercial break (and you thought the pictures were wacky?  Wait until you see these...)...

Of course...now we'd want to know if it was organic cocaine...

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Times have changed.  Look at the price?  Last time I paid that much for anything was my TV Cable bill...

And while you're at it, start teaching him the finer points of electricity repair...

No wonder we're a fat society...we've stopped using sanitized tape worms!

This is perhaps why we have less doctors now...

Now here's some symbolism for the times.  Somehow I think the man's head is down there these days...

Because all teenage boys are just fine showering naked together after PE...

This is propaganda at it's pinnacle.  Here's what the fine print says:  "How soon is too soon?  Noot soon enough.  Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during that early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and "fitting in" during those awkward pre-teen and teen years.  So, do yourself a favor.  Do your child a favor.  Start them on a strict regimien of sodas and other surary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness."

Wow!

Good old spanking...now that's what is missing in relationships these days...

I just can't help laughing everytime I read this one.  Only a committee could come up with this...

You Don't See this Anymore - Round 2

Time for another round of photos from yesteryear under the theme of "you don't see this anymore" with the usual addition of snarky VE comments...

Nothing like a fun day with KKK at the fair...

You just never see aligators at the petting zoo anymore...

Honestly, I can't think of a single reason why these boat shoes aren't still on the market...

Donkeys as backpacks fell out of favor with all the animal rights activists...

Gas mask dinner parties didn't quite catch on.  They would come in handy for chilli feeds...

Alas, the only truly one-size-fits-all outfit is no longer available in retail...

Ice cube masks for hangovers sort of fell out of favor about the same time ice cube trays did...

And when was the last time you saw a doggie movie theater in your town?

Somewhere along the line knife throwing at children became politically incorrect...

Believe it or not, this was actually Southern California circa 1928.  Nobody seems to want to just ignore the oil companies exploiting our land anymore....