VE's Hollyweird Squares

Well, tomorrow is an above average day:


- It's my birthday


- I'm getting married


- I'll be gone from blogging until Friday night as we head off whitewater rafting


No, I'm not kidding! And to honor all of, I'm going to give you one of my wackiest, most original posts ever. It's got politics, it's got celebratramps, it's got fantastical nonsense. It's got it all! Let's see if while I am gone I can top my all time high comment total of 62 for the Albums You Should Avoid for the rest of your Life - Part 2. So spread the word to leave a comment!


Here's your all original VE humor post. It's gonna have to satisfy you for the week:


This is what would happen should VE go into the entertainment industry:


We take you partway into the show...
Obama: I’ll take Michael Vick.

Host: Michael, True or False: They just banned eating dog in Bejing, China because of the Summer Olympics?

Obama: I’ll agree with Michael…we’re both brothers!

Host: It is true, X gets the square.

McCain: I’ll go with Paris. No really, I wanna go out with Paris…

Host: Paris. I’ll use small words. What year did copying DVDs first become a problem?

McCain: Ah, I don’t believe DVDs much less cameras were invented back then. Plus, Paris has the IQ of 1.769, so I’m going to disagree.

Host: You’re correct. O gets the square.

Obama: I’ll go with Patrick.

Host: Patrick. What can you never eat for breakfast?

Obama: I recently supported lunch and only last week flipped my support of dinner, but I’m going to say that is correct.

Host: Yes, it is correct. X gets the square.

McCain: I’ll go with OJ for the block.

Host: OJ, gloves were invented in 1834. But is it a law for dentists to wear gloves?

McCain: Why I didn’t spend 2 years in a Vietnam rat hole so I could trust some murderer to tell the truth. I’ll disagree with him no matter what his answer was (cause to tell the truth, I was eyeing Paris and not listening)

Host: Well you are in luck then because OJ is not correct. It is against the law. O gets the square.

Obama: I’ll take Mr. T to block

Host: Mr. T, which of the following rappers is still alive: Tone Loc, Tupac, Jam Master Jay or Easy E?

Obama: While I don’t have any experience with rap music, I still have an opinion and can make positive change in this area. I’ll say Mr. T is correct, ‘cause he’s a brother too.

Host: No, I’m sorry, it was Tone Loc. O gets the square and John McCain is our winner.

Obama: What? See, this is what is wrong with America when a brother would like to a fellow brother. It’s time for a change…

Host: Quick, somebody call a doctor, John McCain has collapsed. I think it was the excitement of winning something. Perhaps his heart.

Obama: I think it was melanoma. Look at how that abnormally shaped mole is spreading. It looks like the one Gorbachev had.

Host: That wasn’t a mole…

Obama: Too bad, at least then he could have got sympathy votes like McCain has.

Host: Well folks, this concludes another Hollyweird Sqaures. Thanks for watching. Hey Limbaugh…get over here. See if you have any medication for this…

The cameras fade just as Tinky Winky and Amy are doing lines of crack in her square…

Tow Cover Heads

It’s product time at the old VE place. Time to make some more money with useless stuff that people simply cannot resist buying. This time, I’ve come up with an irresistible product: Tow ball covers with stupid celebrity heads.

That’s right, we’ve got hundreds of useless figure heads to adorn either your tow ball or the tow ball of complete strangers. What a fun practical joke it will be putting a Darwin tow ball head on all the church pickups and SUVs!

Don’t forget politics. The McCain and Obama tow ball heads are going fast. And remember, for real practical jokes you can stick the Ralph Nader figure head on ANY car and irritate them.

But you don’t have to stop at political or religious controversy. Go ahead and choose from our scariest tow ball line. We’ve got the “stooopid celebratramp” line as well. There is no end to the irrationality and waste!

Animal Control

You know, hiding out from Oprah I’ve recently had the opportunity to do a lot of hiking in the woods. One thing that has occurred to me is that they’re a damn mess!

Trees fallen over trails. Trees fallen over the trees that fell over the trail. It’s like pick up sticks for some superhero. Plus, a lot of trails are getting over grown. Poison oak and ivy need to be contained. There’s a lot to do to ensure future generations can enjoy and litter these natural wonders too…

But who in America has time to do all of this. Who will do all this manual labor for unrealistic pay? The government won’t. They’re too busy getting elected.

- We’ve already got the Hispanics maintaining our landscaping
- We’ve got the Eastern Block building our homes and workplaces
- We’ve got the Africans playing our sports
- We’ve got the Asians building our products

Who’s left to manipulate so we don’t have to anything?

Then I got to thinking…what about all the wildlife? They should have to do it! They live there! Sure, why not have Bambi do a little forest vacuuming? Get those elk and grizzly bear to move away those logs from the trail. Hell, give ‘em to the beavers! Get the skunks to dig out and haul away all that poison oak, ivy and sumac stuff. I mean they stink already so why not let them itch too. Stinky and itchy go together like baseball and steroids.

Get those damn chipmunks out of my picnic basket and backpack and have them trim up the undergrowth covering the trail. I mean really, those guys will work for peanuts! Why can’t we get those irritating flies to clean up all the animal shit strewn on the trail and campgrounds? They love that stuff don’t they? Then cart it off somewhere remote.

It’s a win/win I tell you. They get to keep some habitat in exchange for a little sweat equity and we get more animal sightings along our trails and campgrounds.

Still on the Run

Day number five…still trying to stay alive. That’s right, Oprah is still after me but I’m so nonsensical that my lack of logic has baffled even her resources.

After she used Steadman as a human shield to thwart my jungle booby traps in the jungles of Congo, many other near encounters and daring escapes have happened:

Disguising myself as a harbor seal from Tasmania worked well until Jeff found me with his irritating non-meme challenge and exposed my cover. I managed to escape by allowing a whale to swallow me. It worked for Pinocchio and I knew the whale would find me distasteful.

I floated at sea for only a day when I caught a Navy submarine that was traveling un-submerged. I took this for 12 days until I got to the Caribbean. That’s hard to do when you’ve been on the run for only 5 days! Surviving on the sub wasn’t hard despite the lack of water and food; I mean Indiana Jones did it in Raiders of the Lost Ark!

While making fruity rum drinks at a bar in Jamaica I nearly got trapped when Oprah’s gang claimed to be the original Wailers. But they slipped up when one of them referred to themselves as Bob Marley.

“Bob Marley is dead and dred locks aren’t actually combination locks stuck in your hair” I yelled as I ran off and snuck on board a tourist ship headed for New York. Donning one of the mechanics grease strewn T-Shirts crew member just assumed I was one of the mechanics.

I met a beautiful woman in first class but her family didn’t approve. She danced with me below decks while her stuffy husband searched in vain. But the ship hit an iceberg floating around due to global warming and started to sink. We barely managed to escape the rising water and ended up in the ocean with only a door to float on. I gave it to her….until I got cold and then I tricked her with the old “look, there’s Brad Pitt” diversion and tossed her overboard. She’s not taking MY door! I was picked up by the Coast Guard under an assumed name and made my way into New York.

There I hid out as a blogger from Coney Island. With the local blogger user group I attended my very first Bloggers Convention up in the Bronx. It was a delegate of 9 members. We were going to take over all of NY but somebody shot the head guy and blamed it on us. We had to fight our way back.

Waiting for me back in Coney Island was the Oprahia. My only escape was to actually ride the roller coaster there. None of them dared to go on it. Sure, I thought that was it. I did escape and thought, this has got to end. I need a complete change.of name and looks. I hired the best plastic surgeon that my HMO would allow. At least his scalpel was sharp…

After several months of intensive workouts and post surgery healing (which is hard to do when its been only 5 days!) I was forced to live out my days looking like this now:

It’ll be hard to live with this new identity…but I’m just glad it’s all over!

The Blogger 'Challenge'

Well now, I was tagged by Jeff over at View from the Cloud. The fact that he came through the cable modem and physically tagged me is quite disturbing. I was on the run and he somehow managed to find me at a hotwired kiosk on the Island of Tristan da Cunha where I’ve been under the assumed identity of a harbor seal from Tasmania. If he can find me here, when will Oprah do the same? It’s only a matter of time.

Anyway, this isn’t a meme. It’s a “challenge”. I’m supposed to provide new bloggers with tips. Five of them! And you know how much I love to mess with bloggers! This originally came from Brent over at the Ominous Comma. Who knows what it originally started out as. Brent probably wanted the winning lottery numbers but through the inevitable telephone tag phenomenom it got morphed into this request. So here you go:

1. Get a catchy title for your Blog

If you’re blog name makes any sense what-so-ever…CHANGE IT! The craze in blogging is to make the title contradictory unto itself. Sort of like Military Intelligence. It’s easy to come up with these things. Instead of ‘Surfing the Web so You Don’t Have to” use “Webbing the Surf so You Don’t Have to”. See, it makes no sense so it’s perfect! Or you can reuse catchy ad phrases: “The Other Other White Blog”.

Words of warning. Do not attempt to use some nifty play on words around the actual word “Blog”. They have all been used. This would be like trying to add the new user name of “The Dude” on Ebay or Yahoo. Forget it! They haven’t been available since 1995!

2. Always mess with your readers, they LOVE it!

One of my favorite tricks is to leave wacky messages on my blog using the same font color as my background color. Sort of like this (highlight below with your mouse to see):

Take the next sentence and add the first word and then skip two words, add the next, skip the next two and on and on. It’s a little message for those that don’t find this….ha ha

You never know people… there really are features with so much for gullible new bloggers and watch for stupid ones.

I once had an invisible comment on my sidebar offering a $50 paypal for everyone that discovered it. All they had to do was put “skidily doo” in their comment to win it. It was up for six months and nobody found it. Awesome!

Occasionally, write your post in the comments section. That’ll keep ‘em guessing. Or, write it on 15 other bloggers comments and then just provide links to each post and let them figure out the post. They’ll hate you for that!!!! Hate always brings back readers!

3. The longer it is, the more it hurts

Get your mind out of the gutter!!!! I’m shocked. I’m talking about the length of your post. Whatever you do, DON’T make your posts as long as this one! Whatever you do, be sure to keep paragraphs two to three sentences long. Use pictures! People don’t have time to read your dissertation, no matter how good you think it is or even how good it actually is. Hell, I don’t even read my OWN stuff that closely.

4. Don’t be getting all uppity over awards.

Really! Rewards are like charitable contributions at tax time; everyone is giving! I’m going to spare you all the hoopala right now and award you the: Extraordinary Blogger Award because you’ve been ordinary for an extra long time. The Arte y Pico award because it’ll confuse the hell out of you on what that means. The Best New Blogger in a Category I Just Made Up award because you need to get over these! And please don’t blog about them.

5. Blog Naked

The important thing to learn here is that there are many readers that will only read and comment on your last piece of information. Make it a good juicy one. You should blog naked though; it will free your mind (among other things…).

Now I’m supposed to tag five people to do this also. That would be similar to Amway if I did that though so I’ll just tag Jimmy Carter, JD Salinger, the Dali Llama, Amy Winehouse, Jack LaLanne. Surely THESE people can’t be reading my blog…

On the Run

Thanks to my Saturday post on Oprah, I’m now on the run, fleeing the Oprahia (that’s her staff mafia team). I’ve managed to take a chewing gum wrapper, a dime, a paperclip and stolen cell phone and put these all together to make a phone call and remotely post this.

Word of my whereabouts came to them on Sunday while I was hiking. But thanks to my Rambo move of jumping off the cliff with Paul Newman and Robert Redford (they have an exclusive contract for all dramatic cliff escapes) screaming “Oh…..shit” part way down until the tree branches broke my fall and I was able to escape.

Sure, I sliced my arm open and had to stitch it back up. It’s fortunate that I do carry a Singer Swingline sewing machine on me for just such situations. I admit it’s a little heavy to take backpacking but see how useful it is!

After holding up in a Safe house and purchasing a beautiful Honeywell safe that I will use to keep my gnomes in when they are mischievous, I sent a coded message to the girlfriend to have her go into “IRS MODE” where you act innocent and dumb. This technique used to work for traffic citations too up until they relied on citation revenue to fund their annual police barbeque party…

The key to avoiding the Oprahia is to stay off the grid. I’ve avoided all sewer covers. I don’t sit on wire mesh outdoor chairs at the local pizza place. I don’t use graph paper to write on. I don’t use a calculator. I don’t play tic-tac-toe. Nothing with a grid can be utilized or they’ve got you!

In the future my posts will be secretly routed through 17 relay systems, 12 satellites, 7 pay phones, 4 kiosks, 2 customer support desks, and the Babel Fish translator. Not only should that make it very difficult to track me, but my posts might finally make more sense.

Wacky Town Names

Man, we have some weird towns out there. And I’m not even talking about just the USA although we have plenty of our own. Here are some interesting questions when pondering some of these towns:

What do they call the Church in Hell, MI? The Church of Hell?

How do you vote and win in Equality, AL?

Can you have a cat in Dog Village, Britain?

What’s the number one export in Dildo, Newfoundland?

Wouldn’t a whore house have been a turnoff in Big Hole, WY?

Are they playing Donna Summer 24x7 in Disco, WI?

Why would you ever have a town event in Boring, OR?

Is it ok to just give up in Can do, ND?

Where are you really when you’re in Mexico, NY?

Can you be late in Ready, KY?

What are they doing over in Intercourse, PA?

What if you ask for seconds in Enough, MO?

These are important questions folks.

Charting Oprah

In an amazing discovery, if you plot the size gains and reductions of Oprah Winfrey’s weight there is a direct correlation to many other things.

Here you can see the ups and downs of Oprah’s weight over the years. After correlating these statistics on a chart and then overlaying that with the Teton mountain range, it turns out to be an exact fit!

While science doesn’t have an exact explanation on what this means, there are those that speculate there are other similarities that aren’t coincidence either:

Pork Futures – It would appear that pork future prices follow the exact same chart progressions!

Rolling Stones Popularity – Yes, releases of Rolling Stones albums plotted over a number of years…the very same chart!

Noted one scientist “The fact that it works with a person is rare. Normally we see the ballooning of an individual over time ala ‘the Elvis effect’ but less often do we see somebody bloat and deflate at such a rhythmic pace.”

There is a current study being done at taxpayer expense that is looking to correlate tides to Oprah dress sizes. “We don’t know what it will mean, but we’ll have some really cool graphs on it I’m sure” comments one recent grad student scientist.

VE investigators tried to reach Oprah for comment but her staff simply told us to write a book and submit it to “Oprah’s Book Club”. Indeed, don’t look for it any time soon as VE’s investigators tend to not be very literate…

I Must Have a Dirty Mind

I must just have a dirty mind. I was looking up a song from 1977 and started noticing the song titles from that year. Does anyone else notice a theme here?

Tonight’s the Night

Do you want to make love?

I’m in you

Don’t stop

Way Down

On and On

Nobody Does it Better

Undercover Angel

So into you

Feels like the First Time

Keep it Comin’ Love

Give a Little Bit

Today's a slow day for me, so I'll throw in a few photo posts just so you don't feel too cheated. I've got a bunch of ideas for posts, just very few written yet. I usually keep about a dozen ahead but Belize used up a lot of my pre-mades.


Though bicycle bowling is fun, the auto and cycle repairs do tend to add up. I doubt it will make it as an Olympic sport...

Little did anyone know that the country and state borders were lined with Kraft Macaroni and Cheese sauce and visible from space...

And you thought YOUR job was bad...

Hopefully Not Coming to a Theater Near you (and other drivel)

I'm gonna give you my humor blog post and then I'm just gonna spew a bunch of drivel afterward. Why? Because then Kurt won't have to comment "That wasn't funny". Unless of course the humor part sucks that is...

So, here's the humor portion:

VE investigators are always on the lookout for major disappointments coming to a theater near you. Here's a few projects we hope they don't deliver on:

Oceans 32,638. This time Daniel Ocean’s big con is on the public: Using the entire acting profession to make stuff up that we will pay to see. Everyone’s take? A lot more than the viewing public will ever make. Then to top it off, they’ll get together and give each other golden statues for the cons and then charge corporations to advertise while they televise it to us.

The Deported. It’s like The Departed except none of the former stars are in it because they all died. So they hired B-rate actors and reference the A-rate actors they couldn’t get. It all takes place at the Mexico-USA border in California. The main guy is a homeland security agent that plays a Mexican illegal immigrant working in secret as a border guard when he is actually a triple agent in that he’s selling identities to Iran but the twist is that he’s really a quadruple agent because he’s in the Taliban and all the information on the IDs he’s selling have been changed to cartoon characters all the while he’s bringing in shoe bombs.

Wall Mart. That’s right; Wall E goes back to the retail facility where he was originally sold. This film is cute but has a serious message to everyone about corporate policy, employee rights, and the greed of privately owned companies. Perfect topics for the entire family…

Jelly Man. He’s like Iron Man, just squishier. The head of the largest supplier of jelly donuts in the world is taken hostage and forced to create donuts to sell on the black market. Instead, he creates a jelly superhero costume that is also edible in the event of starvation. The jelly goo is so thick that no bullet penetrates it. The whole event causes him to re-evaluate his career. Perhaps Jelly donuts aren’t healthy? Is this what he wants as his legacy? His genius abilities focus on using his jelly goo as security borders around prisons. No prisoner can escape the thick goo… But his partner is greedy and tries to take over. The final scene is so disturbing you’ll cheer in your seat as you discover the real reason most donuts have holes…

Here's the drivel part...

Funny, I passed my two year anniversary just over a month ago with not a single word. I passed my 500th post about a week ago without even noticing. Have I really written that much nonsense? I've probably thrown away at least another 100 or so post ideas just in comments on your folks blogs. No biggie; there's always another idea...

I see a number of folks are resubmitting some of their older material over the summer. Interesting concept. I'm sure there are a number of good things I've written when I had only iamnot reading my blog and it would be easy to offer those up again I suppose but it's not my style; I feel I'd be cheating myself. I put my 'best of' out on the sidebar should anyone really have that much time to read something and anyone can peruse through the archives. It's sort of like reading old National Geographics at the dentist office...but without all the good pictures or pertinant stories...

I see that Diesel has updated Humor-Blogs again. I guess he really is working toward a fairer way to rank things there. I have to give him credit; the site looks crisper than ever. Now you can theoritically vote on anyone's post by using three different smiley type icons. He tallies the points of all of these over a given period to rank the humor blogs. That seems fair. I wonder though, given that perhaps 60% of my reader blog roll are humor-blog members, about a number of things:

- Though you can link to humor-blogs to rate something; would you bother to?
- You cannot rate something without signing into the site as a member. That is an attempt to avoid cheating by allowing only one vote per member. Do you find that a hassle not worth taking the time to rank?
- If so many of you also have blog posts to be rated and given the more ratings you get the higher your ranking is there a feeling that if you rate a bunch of your fellow members their blogs will go up and yours will not?

I've thought about blogs and readership for awhile now. I see a lot of people really care about how many are reading and commenting on their blogs; others do not. Would I really want a thousand readers reading mine? Reading, sure, but commenting no. It's only because I enjoy commenting back and feel compelled to visit their blogs. The larger I get; the more impossible that becomes. That's where burn out happens; you do more and more and more until you can no longer sustain it and then it finally gets to be too much and you abandon blogging completely. No thanks, I'll stay where I'm at. I'm sure my blog is as funny as any of those other humor blogs and I don't need to see it listed way up to prove that. The single biggest thing humor-blogs provides is a place to find other funny blogs but I've found enough already and I know I can always go back there should I run low...

Drivel complete...