All right, I already posted today but today is the deadline for The 1st Humor Blogger Carnival hosted by Ettarose over at Edge of Insanity. This is a contest in which we have to post on either growing up in the (whatever decade) or rules our parents made up. Both quite tempting. I chose the growin up one since I haven't really completed that process yet.
This is all a nice plug for Humor Bloggers. Don't know what that is? It's a group of humor bloggers. Duh! Anyway, I am a member and it does feel like a fair and unpimping type of set up so I'll give it its due plug! It's run by Chelle B. from The Offended Blogger. Some of my readers here are even active participants there. There actually are some great blogs linked in through there so check it out.
Why am I doing this? Because I just can't pass up the lure of a challenge...and I think I can be pretty damn funny on these subjects too!
Sooooo...here's the entry post...
Pathetic Things That Forced Me from Being Cool in the 70s
You know, growing up in the 70s...I actually wasn't that popular. I know, it's hard to believe now but it was true. And in true American tradition, I need something or somebody to blame. Here we go:
I blame hats as being party responsible. Why in the hell did I wear hats in the 70s anyway? I was a kid! I had all my hair!! Shouldn’t I wait until my 40s or 50s when I would lose my hair to wear them? Ok, I haven’t really lost much but I didn’t know that then…
I had a “Keep on Truckin” leather visor. Yeah; a leather visor! And it stunk. It stunk like it was made from a cow’s ass. I actually think it probably was made from the cow’s ass. A real sweaty one too. People that knew me then will bring it up to this day. It stunk so bad my ex-wife made me throw it away from the attic where it was stored in a box. I never throw anything away; but alas, I made the marital sacrifice. I’m sure its now in some landfill outstinking everything else there…
But I was uncool even before the long hair and leather visor time and it was again hats that did it. I wore a Gilligan’s Island sailor cap. Yeah, that Wonderbread white dome with the brim pulled down as if to say “I’m trying to looking like a flippin’ albino mushroom” or something. What was I thinking? Like Gilligan was so much the macho role model I wanted to aspire to or something. I should have at least glued a rug to my chest and grew a mustache hoping to pass for Magnum PI or something. Sheesh.
Let me tell you, braces were a privilege in the 70s. They were expensive and not a lot of kids got them. Those of us fortunate enough (read as doomed to fate) to get them had a far different experience than the fun ones they have out today.
Of course I had to be an overachiever in my quest for ultimate unpopularity. Try wrestling with your friends and having your braces get caught in those damn shag rugs they had back then. Then have them leave me there for 45 minutes! Oh sure, laugh it up there popular person…
Having gadgets back in the 70s was pathetic. Very unpopular. That’s because the gadgets were stupid. You have any of these and you were doomed to the unpopular side of the basketball picking list:
Why did I have these things? I know I went to a Polytechnic high school but did I really have to look like it? It’s not like I knew what the hell I was doing with a slide rule anyway. Honestly, slide rules have always been one of those devices that seemed as magical as a magician making things disappear. I had no idea how you could slide the thing around a bunch of numbers and lines and do mathematics. There had to voodoo involved or some selling of your soul for this to work correctly.
Oh and caculators…forget it. I mean slider rule carriers were old school dorks (they didn’t even have the term nerd then) but calculator wielding kids were new blood dorks. They were big and pathetic and we loved them (cringing with embarrassment).
Come on, the 70s were THE most pathetic untasteful clothing fashions known to mankind. Need proof? Johny Virgil from 15 Minute Lunch found a catalog from the 70s and turned it into the biggest, funniest blog post ever written. You can view it here. He has over 600 comments on it. No, that’s not a typo (and yeah, I stole a couple of his images...sue me; he stole from JC Penny)…
Another problem with the 70s look is that it was the hairy, gold chained, mustache macho-man era. That’s not a good time to grow up as a teen that was almost 6’ tall and weighed 118lbs. I didn’t have the Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck hair chest look. Mine was white, concaved and smooth. You could use it as a fruit bowl when I layed down. It was smooth enough to use as a white board (not that they had those then). I failed in the popularity area big time here.
But stupid as I was, I could grow a mustache. Well…I thought it was a mustache. But in reality it was a cross between the short Hitler type and a balding caterpillar. Clean shaven was very unpopular but my look wasn’t much better.
Yes, all of these things contributed to my unending dorkiness and unpopularity growing up in the 70s. It’s a wonder I survived and grew into the awesome juvenile I am now!